Quick links: Introduction | What Dominatrix Does | Characteristics | My Experience | FAQs | Key Takeaways | Next Steps
The word “Dominatrix” has two closely-related definitions. It can be used interchangeably with “Mistress”, “Domme”, “Femdom”, and “Domina” to designate a female or femme Dominant, or it can specifically refer to a professional female or femme Dominant.
We have already covered the first definition in our article “What is a Mistress”, so this time, we will be focusing on the second definition – professional femme Dominant.
Introduction
A professional Dominatrix is (usually) a veteran of the BDSM scene who has decided to make a career path out of her domination skills. She can have a variety of specialties and may operate online or in person depending on what she specializes in.
Some pro-Dommes never meet their clients in the flesh. Others are small business owners who operate out of their own private playspace–which may even be a home business. Still, others work as employees or rent booth space at larger play spaces and events.
There is some debate as to when professional Dominatrixes first appeared. Some tie them to the temple prostitutes of pre-Abrahamic Levantine society. Others point to mid-1500s Europe when some houses of prostitution started to include erotic beating and tying as a service.
As time went on, pro-Dommes became more and more separated from other sex workers. Now, a Dominatrix can often work legally in places where prostitution is illegal.
Unfortunately, police, conservative lawmakers, and clueless would-be clients have yet to get the message about this and will try to lump a Dominatrix in with other sex workers. This leads to police persecution, potential charges under prostitution laws, and clients that waste their and Domme’s time.
What a Pro-Domme Does and Doesn’t Do
“Customers of a professional dominatrix (or “pro-dom”) can obtain a set of activities known as “commercial fetishism” whereby the client pays the dominatrix to engage in fetish acts such as foot worshipping, babyism or infantilism, housecleaning, cross-dressing, or forced feminization.”
from Encyclopedia of Gender and Society
by Jodi O’Brien; SAGE Publications, 2009
She won’t give you a happy ending
In modern-day, a pro-Domme is generally completely separate from other forms of sex workers, and in the vast majority of cases provides no services outside of those that are BDSM-related.
Some will engage in cock and ball torture or chastity play, but many will not even touch a client’s genitals. Some Dommes will allow clients to finish themselves off, but won’t risk their licenses by helping out.
She will have one or more of a huge variety of specialties
These can include everything from financial domination (findom), rope bondage, suspension, medical BDSM, genital-based torment and humiliation, electrosex, remote sessions, and many more.
She will be picky about her clientele and demand discretion
A smart Dominatrix always vets her clients carefully before booking the first session. Even if she lives somewhere without anti-prostitution laws and doesn’t have to worry about prosecution, she will still be careful about who she books with.
A potential client might not be an undercover cop, but they could be too toxic, unstable, or otherwise problematic to risk working with.
She generally won’t switch for you
Some Dominatrixes will submit for the right long-term client, but just like sleeping with a Domina, you can’t walk in off the street expecting it.
If you fancy yourself a Domly Dom who can get any woman to submit to you, and come to a professional with that attitude, she’s not going to show you her submissive side. She’s going to show you the door.
She will be knowledgeable, professional, and discreet
A Dominatrix worth the name is a veteran in the BDSM scene, is practiced with a variety of tools and methods, and knows how to help make sure that your session is safe, sane, consensual, and from a strictly BDSM submissive’s point of view, satisfying.
That will include negotiating the scene ahead of time, safeguarding your well-being and indulging your kinks during the scene, and providing aftercare.
She won’t fall for you and start giving you free sessions
A professional Dominatrix is doing a job. She may like you. You may even become one of her favorite clients. But you are still a client, and if you get a crush on her, she’s not going to suddenly become a romantic partner.
She is more likely to ask you to find another Domina if you can’t keep your feelings (or sense of entitlement to her affections) in check.
She will charge
Once again, the Dominatrix is doing a job. No matter how much she likes you, she still needs to pay her bills. Find out her rates ahead of time, and what form of payment she takes, and make sure you have the full amount with you when you arrive for your session.
Tipping generously is also highly recommended, especially if she’s working as one employee/subcontractor in a larger dungeon.
“In the dominatrix’s “dungeon,” the session takes place with the client, in a submissive role, seeking some form of humiliation, typically through receiving pain or being rendered immobile.”
from Encyclopedia of Prostitution and Sex Work
by Melissa Hope Ditmore; Greenwood Press, 2006
Signs of a Good Dominatrix and Red Flags to Watch For
A good Dominatrix is experienced, professional, trustworthy, and known in the community.
She keeps a clean, well-tended dungeon and gear, negotiates scenes before them, and performs aftercare afterward.
She takes the safety and comfort (and discomfort) of her clients seriously and makes sure that she cleans and sterilizes her space and tools after each session. She is prepared to handle unexpected situations, such as the client dropping into subspace or experiencing a “sub drop” for the first time.
She uses and obeys, safewords.
Red flags of an inexperienced, unethical, or otherwise bad Dominatrix:
- She doesn’t use safewords or ignores them when they are used.
- She doesn’t perform aftercare.
- She doesn’t clean her space or toys between clients.
- She is inexperienced with her own toys, and with methods, she claims to be a master of.
- She doesn’t know how to handle a submissive in subspace or experience sub drop.
- She goes harder or is crueler than was agreed on.
- She works while sick, drunk, or altered.
- She tries to negotiate her fee, especially mid-scene.
- She does not respect your privacy or limits.
- She gossips about or namedrops her other clients.
- She is unknown or has a bad reputation within the local community.
- She lets you leave while you still need to be watched, such as when dealing with sub drop.
- She does not have good boundaries herself and does not respect yours.
- She gets carried away when in Topspace, throwing ethics out of the window.
Personal Experience With BDSM Dominatrixes
I have visited a professional Dominatrix before, though I was there not so much to indulge my kinks as to gain experience. I didn’t want to be using any tools, toys, or methods of dominance on another without knowing what it was like myself. I soon found that I genuinely enjoyed my visits as well.
The Domina in question practiced shibari, or Japanese rope bondage, and had a suspension rig, both of which I enjoyed. She was experienced, precise, always kept control, and had a great deal of skill with her array of floggers, whips, canes, blades, and electrosex toys.
I learned a great deal from her. Unfortunately, like many clients, I started getting attached and struggled with it. I moved for work soon afterward, which was fortunate, as it let me make a clean break and keep our business businesslike to the end.
BDSM Dominatrix FAQs
Are professional Dominatrixes legal in all countries?
No. In fact, legality can vary depending on location within a given country. Take the United States. Even if no sexual contact happens, some lawmakers, especially in more conservative states, may target both pro-Dommes and their clients with prostitution charges.
Be aware of your local laws and attitudes on the subject. Online Dominants such as Financial Dommes operate in more of a gray area, but you will still want to take steps to protect your privacy.
How do you train to become a Dominatrix?
First, be part of the BDSM community and develop your skills and reputation. You should be an experienced Mistress to multiple submissives before you look to hang up your shingle.
Reading books, taking classes, and possibly taking an internship at a local Dungeon can help as well, as well as learning the basics of creating and running a personal Dungeon and small business. A First Aid class is also quite helpful, as is a self-defense class.
Do Pro Dommes sleep with their clients?
Normally, for legal and boundary reasons, a professional Dominatrix will not permit sexual contact with a client. A pro-Domme is not a prostitute, though uptight lawmakers and law enforcement (and horny new clients) may conflate the two.
Key Takeaways
- A professional Dominatrix is a female or femme Dominant who operates or works in a private pay-to-play Dungeon. Some work in a larger Dungeon with other Dominants, some run their own playspace, and some operate strictly online in a “virtual” Dungeon space.
- Most pro Dommes are picky about their clientele, have strict rules in place for their (and your) safety and security, and of course, have their own set of limits that you must respect.
- Pro-Dommes are not prostitutes and rarely if ever involve sexual contact with their clients. However, depending on state and local law, they are often targeted by law enforcement under anti-prostitution laws. Some have even been targeted with assault charges and similar bogus accusations. Know the law, and protect your privacy as a professional or as a client.
- A good pro-Domme is experienced, organized, responsible, and sensitive to a client’s specific needs. She is also willing and able to enforce boundaries with an overexcited client, tends to submissives who experience sub drop or otherwise need aftercare, and keeps calm in case of any emergency.
- When using the services of a professional Dominatrix, be respectful, pay what is asked, make your needs and hard and soft limits clear, and mention if you have any medical issues, a tendency toward entering subspace or sub drop, or specific aftercare needs. Be discreet, and be mindful of their boundaries and requirements.
What’s Next?
Don’t yet have a Dominatrix to call your own? Need someone with years in the scene to help you explore what you like in a safe, professional setting? Professional Dominatrixes have got what you need–and you can find them online and offline, in cities large and small.
Learn local laws about professional Dominatrixes, connect with the community for recommendations, and find out what you can about a specific pro-Domme’s skills and limits before seeking out one to call Mistress.
And, as always with all BDSM activities, make sure that your chosen Domme is professional and trustworthy, and always use a safe word.
