BDSM

BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadochism, and Masochism.

Key Takeaways

BDSM is about an exchange of power between 2 or more consenting individuals.
There are many possible ways for power exchange, and not all involve sex.
Contracts, scenes, and safe words are used to help ensure everyone understands what will happen and how to end it if needed.
Not all BDSM relationships involve sexual intercourse.
BDSM has several physical and psychological benefits.

BDSM Terms Explained

Types of BDSM Play

BDSM Sex Toys

This article will break down each of the BDSM letters and explain what they mean.

An Overview of the BDSM History

BDSM is not a new concept. Its origins date back to 3000 BC, with images of the Goddess Inanna whipping people into sexual excitement. Some believe it dates back even further based on cave paintings and sculptures.

“Inanna was the Sumerian goddess of war and sexual love.”
by Avner Falk; Fairleigh Dickinson University Press, 1996
from A Psychoanalytic History of the Jews

While the concepts and practices are not new, the term “BDSM” only dates to June 20, 1991. Interestingly, although not surprisingly, it first appeared online in a message board forum. It makes sense because who wants to type all those words?

Way to change the way the world speaks, Quarterhorse Says.

The term and concept in the general population snowballed from there. By the late 2000s, most people knew the term even if they were not into BDSM. We saw more depictions of BDSM in TV, books, and movies, bringing the idea into the mainstream.

Let’s Break Down the Letters

We in the BDSM community like to be efficient, which is how we have managed to squeeze six words, three pairings, into just four letters. But what magical things do those letters and combinations mean?

We will list them, then talk about them one at a time so you can better understand what it means to participate in BDSM. Like so many aspects of BDSM, even the letters take unexpected turns.

First, we have BD for Bondage and Discipline. We then recycle that D and add it to the S for Dominance and Submission. Now, we reclaim that S and move it to the M to create Sadism and Masochism. Fun, right?

Bondage and Discipline

The best place to start with any story is right at the beginning. We use the first two letters to stand for Bondage and Discipline. But what exactly does that mean?

When it comes to Bondage, we are talking about anything that binds. This can be as simple as scarves and stockings to leather cuffs and handcuffs. Bondage also includes the use of blindfolds and gags.

The excitement of Bondage comes from the restriction of movement and senses.

It allows us to submit to the will of our partner completely. When we are bound, our movement limited, we have no choice but to give our trust to someone else.

“Bondage and discipline involve the use of physical restraints or verbal commands by one person to control the other.”
by Hyde; DeLamater; McGraw-Hill Education, 2016
from Ebook: Understanding Human Sexuality

Discipline is about punishment. What makes Discipline different from Sadomasochistic behavior is that when we talk about Discipline, we usually talk about a punishment that comes as a response to an action. Discipline is not always physical, either. It can be done in the form of restrictions or denials.

Discipline is something we earn. It isn’t pain or limitations simply because someone wants it. It goes beyond that to a reciprocating act for our actions. We may not know what the disciplinary action will be, but we know we want it.

Dominance and Submission

Now, let’s look at the D again and add the S. I’m talking about Dominance and Submission. When discussing Doms and subs, we use capitalization to denote who holds power. For ease, we will use upper case for both words while working on acronyms.

Dominance and Submission are two sides of power exchange. Power exchange isn’t as scary as it may initially sound. It can be limited or total. The guide for what works for you and your partner is set in advance.

“Dominance and Submission is a power dynamic exchange where the submissive gives control of their body and pleasure to a dominant.”
by Chelsea Fairless, Lauren Garroni; Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2019
from We Should All Be Mirandas: Life Lessons from Sex and the City’s Most Underrated Character

Dominance is about running the scene. It’s important to clarify that you do not have to be a Dom to exert Dominance in a scene. It simply means you are the one in charge. This can be done through complete domination of the scene or as a gentle guiding action.

Submission is giving power to your partner. This, again, does not have to be part of something complicated and elaborate. It can be as simplistic as giving yourself over to your partner’s wants.

This simple power exchange is probably the most widely experienced aspect of BDSM for those not part of the community.

You don’t have to make it into something overwhelming. Many regularly participate in some form of power exchange without thinking it is related to BDSM.

Sadism and Masochism

Sadism and Masochism are where we talk about physical and emotional pain. Sadomasochistic relationships are always about exchanging pain; one enjoys giving it, and the other enjoys receiving it.

Named for the 18th-century author and philosopher Marquis de Sade, Sadism is the art of inflicting pain. Rest assured, though, that while some would enjoy the levels of pain the Marquis imposed, you don’t have to go that far.

“Sade, Marquis de (actually Donatien-Alphonse-François Sade) (1740-1814), infamous French libertine, writer and dramatist whose sexual perversions led to the coinage of the word sadism.”
by Elizabeth Sleeman, Europa Publications; Taylor & Francis Group, 2003
from International Who’s Who in Poetry 2004

Sadists get our sexual enjoyment from causing others pain. We feel the rush of excitement with our partners’ moans, whimpers, and tears. Whether we are talking about physical pain or mental torment, we are aroused by our partner’s suffering.

Just like the counterpart, Masochism is also named for a person. Chevalier Leopold von Sacher-Masoch was a 19^th-century writer and nobleman who wrote a great deal about the pleasure he received from being beaten, controlled, and humiliated.

Masochists are the people in this power exchange dynamic that enjoy receiving the pain. We are the ones who feel alive when we feel the sting of a whip, the heat of a candle, or the heartbreak of a cruel word.

Bringing It All Together

There is a reason each letter comes with its own meaning or two. BDSM is a sexual buffet. We can choose the parts we want to experience and leave the rest behind. There is no rigid formula for what is right and wrong.

There is a great deal of overlap between the concepts and how they play out, but each also holds its unique flavor. Exploring the different aspects lets you find what works for you, what brings you and your partner pleasure and excitement.

Why Engage in BDSM?

There are many reasons to experiment with BDSM.

We learn so much about whom we are when pushing our limits.
There is something freeing in relinquishing control to someone else.
We feel most alive when we are living on the edge.
We want to experience something new with our partner.
We are curious about the ideas and concepts.

This is a list that could go on practically forever. The truth is, we all have reasons for reaching out into the world of BDSM. Each one is entirely valid and an excellent reason to begin exploring.

The better question is, why not engage in BDSM?

You might not like it, but you may find a side of yourself you didn’t know existed. If you try something and don’t enjoy it, make it a hard limit, and move on. You have nothing to lose and so much to gain.

More About the Keys and Cuffs of BDSM

While we have gotten a basic overview of the terms, we should also take the time to dive deeper into some common concepts and ideas behind BDSM.

Each of these sections is meant to offer you more understanding of what it looks like behind closed doors and inside the minds of those in the community.

BDSM Contracts

In the world of BDSM, contracts are a good thing. I don’t mean that nonsense you may have read in that one series of books. These contracts make things safer by clearly establishing boundaries and protocols.

“Similarly, any roles associated with BDSM were negotiated beforehand and not during engagement.”
by Tom Clark, Liam Foster, et. al.; Oxford University Press, 2021
from Bryman’s Social Research Methods

Contracts can be as simple as writing down the safe words and the agreed titles to as complex as those for 24/7 lifestyle play. The important thing here is to make sure you read and understand the contract.

If you ever feel forced, don’t sign, and don’t play with that sort of partner.

While BDSM contracts are not legally binding, they are still an exciting concept to legal experts. Harvard Law Review even took the time to investigate them.

BDSM Scenes

The idea of scenes can seem overwhelming, but they are, in fact, the way most in the BDSM community play. It is where the power exchange takes place. When you get right down to it, BDSM is about role play. And scenes are where that happens.

The length of a scene and what it can or will entail should be discussed upfront so rules and expectations are clear. Once these have been established and the scene starts, feel free to give in to your inner Dom or sub, Predator or prey, Master or slave, or any other flavor that works for you.

“BDSM scenes between a dominant and a submissive almost invariably involve some form of bondage, rendering the submissive immobile while the dominant exerts physical and psychological control.”
by Kath Browne, Jason Lim, Gavin Brown; Ashgate, 2007
from Geographies of Sexualities: Theory, Practices, and Politics

The scene, just like in a play, is acted out within the guidelines set using appropriate props. You are free to explore within the boundaries set and explore a new aspect of yourself. When the scene ends, you return to your life as usual.

BDSM Safety

We talk a lot about safety. It has to be a top priority in every scene, every time.

Some things we do in BDSM can be hazardous if not handled appropriately.

I always say the goal may be to cause pain but never hurt. This means no severe damage.

Safe words are our safety net past the initial communication and are always a must.

BDSM Roles

As we have mentioned, BDSM is about role-playing, but what are those roles?

The simplest explanation is one of the Top and bottom. If you’ve looked at our other pieces about submissives, you already know where this is going. Tops are Dominants, while bottoms are submissives in BDSM.

“A top is the person who, when performing sexual acts that include bondage, humiliation, or pain, is the person who controls the activities; bottoms would be the partners to whom the acts are being done, and unless the partners are in a formal dominance relationship, they often will switch roles.”
by Margo DeMello; Greenwood Press, 2007
from Encyclopedia of Body Adornment

It makes sense as when we think of most hierarchy, we talk about who came out on top and had the top position, so we already associate the Top with power.

Of course, there are finer-tuned definitions of Mistresses, Daddies, slaves, brats, and so many more, but in the end, no matter what exact form it takes, the base idea of Top and bottom remains.

BDSM Relationship Types

When we talk about relationships in the world of BDSM, we can encounter some formats that may seem unusual to those looking in from the outside.

First, it is essential to note that not every relationship involves sex. There are plenty of people within the community who meet to play and fulfill their desires for certain types of activities while never engaging in intercourse.

Second, not every relationship is meant to be something long-term. I talk a fair amount about play dates. These can be just encounters where a scene is played out, and then you go your separate ways.

Third, many BDSM relationships are, in fact, ethically non-monogamous. The exact form this takes is something that is worked out for you and your partner. This can take on the structure of polyamory, multiamory, cucking, or some other dynamic.

I know couples who routinely go on play dates with others sexually and not as well as couples who have boyfriends or girlfriends in addition to their primary partner or spouse. Their relationships work for them, and that’s what matters.

“BDSM is both a lifestyle choice and relationship style.”
by Adrienne Trier-Bieniek; McFarland, Incorporated, Publishers, 2016
from The Beyonce Effect: Essays on Sexuality, Race and Feminism

It is important to note that not every open relationship is a BDSM relationship. You can be involved in ethical non-monogamy without adding BDSM aspects to your relationship.

A January 2020 study shows that nearly 33% of Americans desire a non-monogamous relationship.

Fourth, although less common, BSDM community members can be monogamous. For some, the fit between partners is such that they are content in the one-on-one aspect and have no desire for additional play partners.

BDSM Service Providers

As noted earlier, not all relationships in the world of BDSM involve sex. This is important to remember as we go into this next section.

Some are available for hire to help you live out your BDSM dreams.

TV and movies have somewhat familiarized us with the idea of the black, leather-clad, Dominatrix, but there are many more types of service providers.

You can find those that provide services as a Dom or a sub. These play partners for hire may work at a dungeon or be freelancers.

Like with other types of BDSM encounters, the desires for how the scene works and specific limits are discussed in advance, this is also an area where those contracts we discussed earlier are prevalent.

“What makes any session work, no matter how basic or how elaborate, is the contract between the dominatrix and the client.”
by Melissa Hope Ditmore; Greenwood Press, 2006
from Encyclopedia of Prostitution and Sex Work

BDSM Legalities

One of the scariest aspects of BDSM is its legalities. While different countries view it differently, in the US, there is no legal protection for those who engage in these activities.

It often comes down to how far things go. Technically, you cannot consent from a legal side to being tortured, whipped, branded, or many other aspects that those who embrace BDSM regularly engage in for fun.

And while there is a side that appreciates that someone cannot assault or abuse another person and then claim consent, another side worries about the legal trouble my partner or I could find ourselves facing if things go wrong.

Many cases over the years have made their way into the courtrooms, but that has not helped clarify the legalities of the practice.

There is still plenty of work to be done to ensure that those who enjoy BDSM can do so safely and sanely while not facing prison or avoiding treatment if something goes badly.

“BDSM community must ensure that their partners acknowledge the risk and still consent to the activity.”
by Melissa A. Click; NYU Press, 2019
from Anti-Fandom: Dislike and Hate in the Digital Age

The Mind and Body of BDSM

Now that we have covered the keys and cuffs, it’s time to dive deeper into why those who embrace BDSM do what we do.

The Physical Side

There is a close link between pleasure and pain. It is why we consume spicy food, get tattoos and piercings, and even work out hard. This concept is never more valid than when we discuss BDSM.

The science behind it is exciting and unbelievably simple. This pain creates the release of pleasurable chemicals in our bodies. It lets us access naturally occurring chemicals similar to morphine without the same dangers that come with drug use.

It may be surprising to learn that every orgasm stimulates areas in the brains of females associated with pain. The ability to perceive pain is crucial to a woman’s ability to orgasm.

“More loosely, masochism refers to deriving any pleasure from experiencing pain.”
by Eric Donald Hirsch, Joseph F. Kett, James S. Trefil; Houghton Mifflin, 2002
from The New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy

This may well be why we see more than 75% of women involved in BDSM as subs. This receiving of pain helps to trigger more intense orgasms and creates a more intense feeling of euphoria in the aftermath.

The Psychological Side

Not too long ago, the practice of BDSM appeared in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) as a mental illness. The change happened in 2013 after a long and hard-fought battle by those participating in BDSM activities that spanned more than 25 years.

Truthfully, there are some benefits to BDSM from a psychological perspective. So beneficial that BDSM therapy now exists. It generally involves bondage and is done in a therapist’s office.

Beyond the clinical side, private BDSM sessions, whether with a professional or a partner, can and often do have therapeutic effects for those involved.

Contrary to what the general public may believe, those who participate in these activities tend to be mentally healthier than those who do not.

We tend to be more extroverted, open to experience, and conscientious while being less sensitive to rejection and neurotic on the Big Five personality traits.

BDSM can help us process past traumas, release stress and tension, and improve communication skills. That’s some profound benefits for some kinky fun.

HarliQ Personal Experiences With BDSM

I discovered the world of BDSM at about the same time as the world was given the word. I have been a member of the community ever since. I have watched it grow from something only spoken of in whispers to part of mainstream society.

In the early days, there were not the resources and information that are available now. It was a lot of learning by trial and error. And, honestly, mostly error. The way I learned was dangerous and insane.

I put myself and my partners in danger, not because I wanted to but because I didn’t know any better. Safe word? Why would I need that? Hard limits? What are those? When I look back, it’s terrifying, and I wonder at times how I survived it without severe damage to myself or someone else.

That’s why I have such a passion for the education aspect of it now. I know so much and have a passion for sharing that with others. I want everyone to find what they love, but I want them to be able to do it in a way that is safe and sane.

Fortunately, BDSM is no longer the shadow-cloaked mystery it was back then. Today information is readily available just a few keystrokes away. More than that, there are in-person classes and lectures. You can join groups and sites where there are plenty of people with plenty of actual experience.

A nice thing about most local dungeons and the like is that the members are vetted ahead of time. This makes it much less likely that you will find yourself with someone dangerous. People who violate boundaries and use unsafe practices are quickly removed from the memberships if they manage to slip through.

It may surprise you that people in the BDSM community are very respectful and safety conscious. We are huge on respecting boundaries, using safe words, and ensuring everything we do is done with consent.

BDSM FAQs

What is the best advice for someone new to BDSM?

Take it slowly. You don’t have to try everything at once. As you grow in BDSM and discover what works for you and what doesn’t, you can slowly expand what you try or how extreme you go.

Of course, I also must use this as an opportunity to repeat the same thing I say so often: make sure you trust your partner and always have a safe word.

How can I find local resources for BDSM education and play?

There is a lot of information available through a simple internet search. There are generally Facebook groups devoted to the subject, and many dungeons and clubs also have their own Facebook pages. I also find FetLife to be a wealth of information and local resources.

Is all BDSM activity dangerous?

There are aspects of BDSM that pose almost no risk when done in mild ways with a trustworthy partner. Submitting or Dominating does not have to be a hard-core activity. And honestly, most activities can be explored mildly.

The critical thing is respecting limits. This is true for Doms and subs alike. Respect goes both ways and is the cornerstone of all BDSM activity.

Notes

This article was updated in October 2022 by HarliQ.

Robert Thomas

Robert Thomas is a sexologist, researcher, and writer who loves to explore and investigate everything that is related to bedroom action. He strives to improve couples' sex life by challenging the advice given in research papers, books, magazines, and on the internet in general. Robert loves to write about sex, BDSM, as well as tips & tricks on how couples can introduce new sex toys to their relationship. He has been proudly featured in Healthline, Bustle, Cosmopolitan, Self, AskMen, MelMagazine, Kinkly, Jack&Jill Adult, and in many other publications. Learn more. LinkedIn

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HarliQ

HarliQ is a long-time member of the BDSM community. She identifies as a switch who has spent time in both Dominant and submissive roles in a diverse array of different scenes. She has experience in a wide variety of kinks and fetishes. HarliQ enjoys sharing her passion for the BDSM lifestyle with others and providing education and information to those new or evolving in the community. She is pursuing her Master of Psychology with a focus on human sexuality. Her goal is to remove the stigma many people associate with BDSM activities and open this world to anyone interested in exploring their whole self.

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