Quick links: Takeaways | Mistress Definition | Reality Check | What Mistress Is Not | Red Flags | My Experience | FAQs | Next Steps
A Mistress is female/femme dominant.
The term here does not refer to a committed person’s sidepiece and is capitalized in part to differentiate it. Mistresses are not always professional dominatrixes, though some are.
Some are not full-time dominants; a switch can take on the role of a Mistress in specific scenes with a submissive or switch play partner.
Others are lifestyle Mistresses who take a dominant role in every aspect of their life with their partner, while yet others only top in the bedroom/dungeon, or only control certain other things, such as financial domination.
Key Takeaways
- A Mistress is female/femme dominant. She may be a classic dominatrix, a lifestyle dominatrix, a professional, a financial dominant, a strict Mistress, or a switch girlfriend taking on the role to please a submissive partner.
- Mistresses use a huge variety of tools, outfits, settings, and methods to match up with their style and their submissives’ needs. Some use very little equipment, while others run a whole dungeon.
- Mistresses vary in their competence and ethics, just like male dominants, and their play partners should be aware of the red flags of a poor Mistress.
- Taking on the role of Mistress, especially in a lifestyle arrangement, is a lot of work, and requires trust and communication between her and her play partners.
The Duties and Powers of a Mistress
Being a Mistress takes a lot of work. You need to remain in control, not only of your sub and the scene but also of yourself.
You need to conduct yourself in a way that not only asserts your dominance but also emphasizes your skill, consistency, and trustworthiness. A true Mistress commands respect because she behaves in a respectable manner, not just because she demands it.
The powers that a Mistress possesses over her sub are given to her by that submissive. She is obliged to find out her submissive’s desires, limits, and needs, and to work within them. She must understand the difference between hard and soft limits, and know when to push a soft limit with a specific sub.
Once these agreements are made, they are binding until renegotiated, to the point where a Mistress and her sub may write out an actual contract so that everything is down in black and white. Neither one is allowed to break or alter that arrangement without discussion and agreement between themself and their partner.
For example, a lifestyle Mistress has the power to expect things like having the submissive do chores while naked, run errands while wearing a buttplug, or refrain from masturbation until given permission to orgasm.
A Mistress in a financial domination relationship can expect tribute, but not so much that their sub can’t take care of their own needs. A Mistress can choose the toys she uses in a scene, but only from the list that the submissive has agreed to.
A Mistress can push a sub with soft limits on anal to take a bigger plug, but she would be out of bounds to try this with someone who doesn’t enjoy anal play at all.
Trappings of a BDSM Queen
Popular media portrays a Mistress as a leather/rubber-wearing, whip-wielding Hardcase in bitch boots. Some Mistresses are like this.
They can have a dungeon with an amazing array of gear, or almost nothing. It all depends on everything from agreements between Mistress and submissive, to personal preference, to available finances, to the specific types of play the couple or group is into.
What a Mistress is Not
It’s important for both dominants and submissives to understand, and avoid, behavior that crosses the firm line between dominance and real abuse.
The Mistress/submissive relationship deserves both trust and trustworthiness.
Unfortunately, not everyone out there who considers herself to be a Mistress actually is. Just as a certain subgroup of male dominants is notorious for mixing pompousness, incompetence, and abuse, there are female dominants who thoroughly deserve the label of “dumbinant” aka idiot, and should be watched out for and avoided just as carefully.
There are traits and behaviors that serve as red flags that the woman dominating in a given scene should not be submitted to. Pay attention to these, as well as any other behaviors that make the submissive in the relationship uncomfortable either in a scene or on reflection.
Red flags of a bad, abusive, or incompetent Mistress include:
- She treats every submissive she meets like they automatically should submit to her
- She has a bad reputation with local kinksters or is quietly avoided by them
- Past submissives of hers now avoid her or openly discuss her abusive tendencies
- She does not discuss the scene, the sub’s preferences, hard and soft limits, or potential hazards ahead of time, or ignores the discussion afterward
- She refuses to use a safeword or ignores it when one is used
- She insists on humiliating a sub without prior discussion
- She misuses toys, either deliberately or through incompetence
- She causes injuries beyond the submissive’s limits
- She expects a lifestyle submissive arrangement when the sub did not agree to that
- She is verbally or physically abusive outside of a scene
- She brings her emotional baggage, such as issues with men, into scenes
- She dominates for her own pleasure while ignoring the pleasure of her sub
- She disregards the submissive’s safety, comfort, needs, or rights
- She lies or is otherwise untrustworthy
- She misuses financial domination to line her own pockets
- She ignores the need for aftercare
- She indulges in dangerous play such as electrosex or fireplay without precautions
If you are a submissive, end your relationship with any Mistress who starts waving these or enough other red flags. You deserve better.
“BDSM play can be dangerous, and mistakes can lead to serious injury or worse.”
by Kath Browne, Jason Lim, Gavin Brown; Ashgate, 2007
from Geographies of Sexualities: Theory, Practices, and Politics
If you are a Mistress and recognize in yourself any of the bad traits above, either correct them immediately or stop participating in BDSM as a dominant at all. Submissives deserve better than this shoddy, abusive, and potentially dangerous treatment.
Personal Experiences With Mistresses
During my time in the BDSM community, I have had encounters with both good and bad Mistresses, including in a scene. It was from these experiences that I was able to put together information on the key traits Mistresses should and should not possess.
I have met brilliant Mistresses who have graduated to instructing others and have subs that other submissives envy. I have met abusive Mistresses who ran financial cons, scarred their subs, and were verbally abusive to total strangers who identified as submissive.
I have played with both good and bad Mistresses as well. My experiences ran the gamut from disappointing to spectacular. I have never been endangered by a Mistress, but I have been in scenes where I quickly realized that I needed to leave. And yes, I have been approached by egotistical idiots who, like their male counterparts, introduced themselves–and tried to seduce me–by barking orders and insulting me.
Those who are only in it for their own pleasure, for toxic reasons such as “getting back at men”, or strictly for financial or social gain are out there, and they should be avoided at all costs. But good Mistresses are out there too, and once you learn what to look for, finding one will be a lot easier.
BDSM Mistress FAQs
What is the most important trait a Mistress can have?
The most important trait of a Mistress is not her beauty, her charisma, her cruelty, or her skill with a whip. It is her trustworthiness. A submissive who cannot trust their Mistress will not enjoy their scenes, and will eventually leave her.
Are all BDSM Mistresses professional dominatrixes?
No. Some are, but many, like male dominants, are simply participating in BDSM for their pleasure and that of their partners.
Do I have to submit to all Mistresses I encounter?
Absolutely not. Normal Mistresses would find that very strange. Also, any Mistress who expects deference from any submissive she encounters, even those who aren’t her submissive, has an ego problem and a poor understanding of BDSM. Avoid people like that.
What’s Next?
Take control of your partner’s pleasure as a Mistress, or offer up control to a play partner acting as one. Explore all the ways that a strong, dominant woman can empower herself over a play partner while satisfying their submissive needs.
Whether you are a career dominatrix, a lifestyle queen of your household, or a new dominant just learning the ropes, you can find–and give–a great deal of pleasure with this kinky twist on female empowerment.
Notes
This post was initially written and published in February 2022 by Sexologist Robert Thomas. In October 2022, Oliver K added to the articles’ truthfulness, accuracy, and depth.
