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Hello, my friends, and welcome to what may be the single most important article in all our BDSM offerings.
This is such an essential aspect of how our interactions with others in the BDSM community must be guided that I cannot wait to share my knowledge with you.
Key Takeaways
- Informed consent is consenting with a complete understanding of the activities you will be engaging in, with whom, and what risks are involved.
- Informed consent cannot be given by anyone who is not at total capacity and able to decide for themselves.
- Informed consent is vital for social, legal, and ethical reasons.
What is Informed Consent in BDSM?
Many people want to make this complicated, but it’s straightforward.
Informed consent is willingly, knowingly, and with a complete understanding of the situation, giving your permission to another person for the things that are about to happen.
“BDSM community must ensure that their partners acknowledge the risk and still consent to the activity.”
by Melissa A. Click; NYU Press, 2019
from Anti-Fandom: Dislike and Hate in the Digital Age
Informed consent is a concept of great importance well outside the world of BDSM. Still, it becomes even more critical when you look at the alternatives when you enter this world from a sexual, or at least adult-oriented, perspective.
What Makes Informed Consent?
Informed consent is about knowing precisely what you are getting into with no unclear edges.
You can’t force someone into informed consent via threats, cajoling, or harassment.
For informed consent, all parties must know what is happening and freely allow it. They must also understand the risks involved with the activity.
Why Informed Consent?
When you get down to the bottom line of it, many BDSM activities are downright illegal without informed consent. I’m not talking about the things we mentioned in the Legalities of BDSM section. I’m talking about severe legal repercussions.
“Explicit consent is a fundamental rule of BDSM interactions, even if there is a dominant and a submissive partner.”
by Leam A. Craig, Ross M. Bartels; Wiley, 2021
from Sexual Deviance: Understanding and Managing Deviant Sexual Interests and Paraphilic Disorders
Think about it for a moment; when we take away the consent aspect, we find ourselves looking at rape, assault, battery, sexual assault, domestic violence, and many more very nasty charges.
These are not things any of us want on our records. These are the sort of charges that change our lives very badly.
Personal Experiences With BDSM Informed Consent
Getting involved with someone without actual informed consent is a dangerous practice that causes real damage. We know that is never the idea behind what we do, which makes it all the worse.
I was involved for a long while in a relationship where any time I voiced my desire not to engage in an act, it was met with manipulation. I was reminded that I consented. He used threats and coercion to make me do things I was uncomfortable doing.
This was not BDSM! This was rape and assault.
And it comes with a lot of guilt and shame. The moment I said no, there was no informed consent. This took me some time to understand, and I want to save my friends in the BDSM community from having the same experience. Therefore, I stress trust so much.
Advantages of Informed Consent
Generally, this is the section where we look at the advantages and disadvantages of the topic we are covering, but not today.
It is about respecting yourself and your partner. That will never be any negative, and I can’t sit here pretending I can find disadvantages when there are none about informed consent.
- Helps provide legal protection when engaging in BDSM activities.
- Makes sure all parties involved know what to expect from the scene.
- Creates trust between play partners.
- Shows respect for the rights of your partner.
What’s Next?
It is important to remember that anything that does not involve informed consent is, at the very least, abuse and probably illegal. It would help if you also remembered that consent could be withdrawn at any time.
A great way to ensure informed consent is using a BDSM contract.
A contract can be helpful because it lets you spell out the expectations.
Even without a contract, you must talk to your partner and ensure you both understand what is being agreed to in advance of the play.
And, as always, with all BDSM activities, make sure you trust your partner and have a safe word!
Informed Consent in BDSM FAQs
What if I consent to something and then find I don’t want to continue?
Consent can be withdrawn at any time. If you are uncomfortable with what is happening at any point, you have the right and the responsibility to speak up and end the BDSM scene.
Can I use the precedent of what has been consented to in the past as consent in a future setting?
No. Informed consent is given every single time. You or someone else may decide not to engage in an activity, even if it is something you have done and enjoyed in the past. Consent is not ongoing.
What do I do if consent is withdrawn during a BDSM scene or play date?
Stop. Whatever the activity, no matter how long you have been doing it or how many times in the past, it has been agreed to with informed consent. As soon as you or your partner withdraw consent, anything past that point is unacceptable.
