Quick links: Definition | Setting The Scene | My Experience | Pros & Cons | Getting Started | FAQs
Hello and welcome to all my BDSM friends.
Today we are continuing to define the BDSM terms frequently used in the community.
I think it’s so important to be able to speak the language to help ensure good communication. So, without further ado, let’s jump into scenes.
Key Takeaways
- A BDSM scene is a consensual power exchange between 2 or more people engaging in BDSM activity.
- A session, play session, play date, and play are commonly used for a scene.
- The form a BDSM scene takes often changes as partners gain familiarity.
What is a BDSM Scene?
At its very basic definition, a BDSM scene is the consensual exchange of power between 2 or more people engaging in BDSM activity. It is the space and time where that exchange becomes your reality.
“BDSM scene may or may not include penetrative sexual behaviors.”
from Sexual Deviance: Understanding and Managing Deviant Sexual Interests and and Paraphilic Disorders
by Leam A. Craig, Ross M. Bartels;Wiley, 2021
It’s important to clarify that several different terms BDSM community members use within the lifestyle mean the same thing. Synonyms for the BDSM scene include play session, play date, session, or play.
These terms really can be used interchangeably. However, there are spaces where one word is more common than others. For example, you almost always hear the term BDSM session when discussing professional-level services.
Setting The BDSM Scene
Now that we know the correct word, what does a scene look like in practice? There is no one size fits all answer for you on this, but we can provide a better understanding than just a scene is a scene.
This is a perfect place to remind you of the importance of informed consent and BDSM contracts. These both exist to create a safe, sane environment for you and your partner.
Keep in mind that this is just an overview. Some people like to script out the entire scene, while others are more about just going with the flow. Find what works for you and your partner.
In The Beginning
Your first scene will likely look and flow very differently from how it plays out when you know your partner better. There are some great tips to ensure the initial encounter is comfortable for everyone involved.
These include:
- Work out the details before you meet.
- This can be done via text, telephone, zoom, or email.
- This helps prevent the fear or excitement of you pushing each other too far.
- Set a timeline.
- This can help ensure that everyone knows what to expect and helps prevent the scene from becoming overwhelming.
- Don’t forget you must include time for aftercare in your scene.
- Set the scene in advance.
- Having your equipment and space prepared helps alleviate the awkwardness of not knowing what to do with yourself while you wait.
- It lets you and your partner review anything you plan to use and make changes if needed.
- Have a plan.
- Know where you and your partner want the scene to go so you can pace it appropriately.
- Don’t do too many new things all at once.
Remember that you are likely meeting someone new and about to share an intense experience with this virtual stranger.
Oh, We’ve Done This Before
The more times you play with the same partner or partners, the easier it becomes to get into the scene. A reminder here that informed consent is an every single-time aspect.
“BDSM community must ensure that their partners acknowledge the risk and still consent to the activity.
from Anti-Fandom: Dislike and Hate in the Digital Age
by Melissa A. Click; NYU Press, 2019
Whether you have played once or hundreds of times, things about the scene still need to be covered in advance. Just because there was something one of you was willing to try last time doesn’t mean that either of you wants to do it again.
Many tips from the last section are still good ideas, but the better you know your partner, the more flexible some aspects become. You likely won’t need such a rigid structure and may even enjoy setting the space together as part of the build-up.
Personal Experiences With Scene Setting
Over my numerous years as part of the BDSM community, I have been involved in many BDSM scenes in every imaginable role.
This may entirely be a personal point of view, but I find that in the Domme role, it is much more my responsibility to make sure things are handled in a way that ensures the greatest degree of safety and consent.
Let me clarify, I have a responsibility to keep myself safe as a sub, but especially when dealing with someone newer to the lifestyle, or even just new to me, it is my responsibility to make sure we are using informed consent and safe practices.
One of the things I do is make sure my partner and I are communicating well before we meet. If they are a new partner, we almost always meet in a neutral location, sometimes preventing setting the scene in advance.
In this situation, I ensure we look at what toys and gear I have brought before we start. Anything my partner is not comfortable with goes immediately back into my bag. We may not explore everything we leave out, but there is no confusion about what is a definite no.
The Ups and Downs of BDSM Scenes
There are many advantages to working in scenes, such as:
- It helps clearly define the edges of fantasy versus your everyday reality.
- It creates a lot of communication between you and your partner as you explore what works for you.
- It may allow you to explore with different partners without feeling obligated to continue if you don’t click.
But, as they say, what goes up must come down. Working in scenes also has some definite disadvantages, such as:
- It may create a feeling of restriction in the time allowed.
- You may feel you must completely script the encounter ahead of time.
- There may be other factors that cut a scene short, which could result in fallout or drop.
How Do I Get Started?
Remember that if it isn’t safe, it isn’t fun. That’s one of the critical things to remember in everything you and your partner do in BDSM if you want to start exploring this world, first and foremost, communication.
Talk about what you and your partner want to explore and the time you’ll need, including aftercare, and then set the scene.
Then as you find what you like, create longer and more detailed scenes. It won’t be long before you can accurately lay out a plan for a scene with reasonable precision in the timing. Above all, have fun.
And, as always, with all BDSM activities, make sure you trust your partner and have a safe word!
BDSM Scene FAQs
Does everyone use scenes for BDSM?
Some people live the BDSM lifestyle 24/7 with their primary partner or partners. That does not mean they don’t still play in scenes. While certain aspects can be easily kept below the radar in public, you can’t do everything that way. That private time falls more in line with the traditional concept of scenes.
Do scenes always have hard edges?
Not really. My nerd side will show when I say some people do scenes like playing D&D. They stop as the time requires for appropriate aftercare, but then the next meeting manages to pick up virtually the same place the last session ended.
Should I work with a professional before trying to run my scene?
While I would encourage almost everyone to learn more about what it means to be a professional Dom or sub and how that may differ from your fun Friday night, it isn’t a requirement. I firmly believe in being honest about what you don’t know and asking questions when necessary.
