BDSM Aftercare | Calm Period Following a Scene Explained

Hello, my friends.

Today we are looking at aftercare and precisely what it looks like at the end of one of our BDSM scenes.

Let’s get right into this important topic.

Key Takeaways

Aftercare is about meeting physical, emotional, and health needs.
Communication helps guide the best forms of aftercare for you and your partner.
Using aftercare is a good practice even when not engaging in BDSM activities.

What is Aftercare in BDSM?

Aftercare in BDSM is the calm period immediately following a scene. You and your partner attend to wounds or injuries and connect emotionally to provide needed post-play support.

“Consent and aftercare are important among BDSM practitioners…”
by David A. Rosenbaum; Elsevier Science, 2009
from Human Motor Control

BDSM Aftercare In Practice

Sure, we defined the word, but what does it look like in practice? Honestly, there are many factors involved in that answer. The more intense the session, the more aftercare you’ll likely need.

Proper aftercare is vital after an intense BDSM scene. Reconnecting with the world’s reality can be especially difficult with intense play. Being grounded before trying to function fully again makes you and your partner safer.

While we generally think of aftercare as something that a sub needs, aftercare is just as important to the Dom.

Even when fully consensual, the scenes can stress your mind and body. This state can create medical issues that need to be addressed appropriately for the safety of those involved.

We’ve all heard the term subspace, but not everyone has seen what it looks like. Taking care of yourself properly while still in subspace is nearly impossible.

Subspace is best related to being intoxicated. Being in a subspace can be described as being in an altered state of consciousness. It happens to some (not all) submissives during a particularly intense BDSM session. Navigating the world can be overwhelming and dangerous in this state of consciousness.

We’ve also talked about Domspace, and it is just as important that the Dom is looked after when the session ends. We are all human and have physical and emotional needs that must be met.

Why Aftercare?

Aftercare is vital for many reasons. These include safety, physical health, and emotional well-being. All of these can be a factor when the Dom or sub experiences drop.

Drop can happen to both subs and Doms.

Dom drop or Top drop and sub drop are similar in many ways, and both can have long-reaching consequences. Without support, drop can create a dangerous and frightening experience for either the Dom or the sub. In some cases, drop even requires additional medical intervention.

Drop mainly occurs when the heightened levels of chemicals, like adrenaline and endorphins, during a scene fall. Drop can also appear due to the intense emotional state reached during play.

“Adrenaline (also known as epinephrine) is a neurotransmitter involved in the fight-or-flight response that increases heart rate, pulse rate, and blood pressure.”
from Mental Health and Mental Disorders: An Encyclopedia of Conditions, Treatments, and Well-Being [3 volumes]
by by Len Sperry; ABC-CLIO, 2015

“Endorphins, which are natural painkillers, help the body control pain and produce a strong sense of well-being.”
from Kraus’ Recreation and Leisure in Modern Society
by Daniel D. McLean, Amy R. Hurd, Nancy Brattain Rogers Jones and Bartlett Publishers, 2005

Drop generally onsets within the first 24 hours after a session but for some is almost immediate. It can last for hours or days following incredibly intense scenes.

The drop symptoms can be severe and include depression, insomnia, changes in appetite, and persistent aches and cramps that do not improve even with treatment.

Aftercare dramatically improves the odds of not experiencing drop because the Dom or sub is getting that added support immediately following the session.

Examples of BDSM Aftercare

Aftercare will look different depending on what the needs of you and your partner look like. Remember, you don’t have to spend hours on aftercare, but you may need to do that sometimes.

Aftercare is meant to meet various physical, emotional, and health needs. There is no way to set a formula for what that will look like after a session.

For some of us, the biggest challenge in performing aftercare with our partner is knowing what it is. Some good examples of aftercare include:

Taking a bath
Getting rehydrated
Talking
Cuddling
Watching a movie
Treating wounds

Of course, this is far from an exhaustive list. The key things are reconnecting and ensuring physical and emotional needs are met.

Personal Experiences With BDSM Aftercare

Aftercare is critical for my partner and me regardless of whether I am in a Domme or sub role. What we need can change from session to session as we process a scene.

For me, in a sub role, something that helps me feel like myself again is having my partner brush out my hair. It is an act of caring and tenderness often most needed after a high-intensity session.

In a Domme role, my priority is always my sub and ensuring they are okay. Once that has been done, and as part of it, we cuddle and talk. This is an excellent way to find out what worked and didn’t work for my partner.

Advantages and Disadvantages

There are, of course, advantages and disadvantages to needing to provide proper aftercare. Remember that aftercare is essential in building a solid relationship and making it an experience you want to repeat.

Advantages of BDSM Aftercare

Lets you and your partner reconnect
Makes sure that emotional needs are being met
Allows you to return to reality safely

Disadvantages of BDSM Aftercare

Needs time set aside expressly for aftercare
Doesn’t follow a set schedule
Can contain emotional fallout

What’s Next?

Here, as always, we start with communication. Before the scene even begins, spend some time discussing what is needed to meet each other’s needs at the end of the session.

Know that this is not a hard, fast list. It can always be modified at the end of the scene and even during the aftercare process. Be flexible so the experience is as fulfilling and healthy as possible.

And, as always, with all BDSM activities, make sure you trust your partner and have a safe word!

BDSM Aftercare FAQs

If the session was light, is aftercare still needed?

Believe it or not, there are sex experts that are pro-aftercare even for non-BDSM-related encounters. Many emotions can be brought to the surface during any encounter. Aftercare helps with processing through those.

Doesn’t it show weakness when the Dom needs the aftercare?

Not at all. Doms are often pushing themselves as much as they are pushing the subs. The need to rehydrate, decompress, and sort through feelings is a healthy part of caring for themselves and their subs.

What if we don’t have time for aftercare?

You need to make the time. Depending on the BDSM scene and what activities were involved, aftercare may need to be no more than a quick cuddle and some water. Aftercare shows care and respect for your partner. There should always be time for that.

HarliQ

HarliQ is a long-time member of the BDSM community. She identifies as a switch who has spent time in both Dominant and submissive roles in a diverse array of different scenes. She has experience in a wide variety of kinks and fetishes. HarliQ enjoys sharing her passion for the BDSM lifestyle with others and providing education and information to those new or evolving in the community. She is pursuing her Master of Psychology with a focus on human sexuality. Her goal is to remove the stigma many people associate with BDSM activities and open this world to anyone interested in exploring their whole self.

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