Quick links: Sub Definition | What a Sub Isn’t | Special Note | Control | How Subs Play | Reasons To Try | My Experience | Pros & Cons | FAQs
Hi everyone!
Great to be exploring and learning the world of BDSM with you again.
Today we will discuss what it means to be a submissive or sub within the community.
Key Takeaways
- Submissives are in control.
- Must be careful in the selection of partners.
- Submission is a gift.
What is a submissive?
A submissive (or bottom) holds a vital role within the BDSM scene. This is the person that receives the guidance of the Dom. Also referred to at times as a bottom, the sub is the one who is bound, disciplined, and often becomes the plaything of the Dom.
“A Submissive with a BDSM relationship is someone who has agreed to be the non-dominant partner.”
by Adrienne Trier-Bieniek; McFarland, Incorporated, Publishers, 2016
from The Beyonce Effect: Essays on Sexuality, Race and Feminism
This is not to say that a sub cannot hold their own outside the scene or sometimes even within the scene. Especially when we talk about Primal Play and brats, the sub can become very aggressive with the Dom.
A Quick Note on Netiquette
One thing I would like to address quickly here is that netiquette conveys a lot of meaning within the BDSM community. When we speak of Dominant roles, we always capitalize, while when we talk about the sub, we use lowercase.
This is done primarily in the world of chatrooms, text exchanges, and other forms of written communication to help clarify each person’s role. It also guides the structure of blog posts.
What A submissive Isn’t
There are many forms of D/s play, creating different roles and expectations for the sub. No matter how a sub likes to play, they never consented to be abused. And, yes, you can absolutely engage in all sorts of physical play without ever being abused. The key here is consent.
I find it irritating that so many honestly believe BDSM activity equates to permission to be abused. Even someone who enjoys pain and humiliation is a person worthy of respect. Their boundaries and limits must always be respected. This is about both safety and sanity.
A Special Note to subs
Suppose you engage with a Dom in any setting that does not respect your boundaries, safe word, or limits – RUN! Moreover, let others in the community know about your experience.
Yes, I understand there can be some shame felt, even in the world of BDSM, when things go astray. But it is so important to share these experiences.
Disrespect and abuse have no place in the BDSM community. This is a world where respecting limits is crucial. Sharing your experience can help save someone else from being abused or seriously injured.
An important thing to note here is that safety is the absolute key to everything sexual and non-sexual people who engage in BDSM do.
A Sub/Bottom Is in Control
I know this is confusing for a lot of people because it is outside our normal thought process. The thing to remember, though, is that the submissive holds power. You set the limits and boundaries. You can say when it’s time to stop.
To clarify, I am not talking about topping from the bottom here. I am talking about ending a scene because it gets unsafe or too intense. You are not trying to take power away from your Dom, but your responsibility is to ensure you are respected.
How subs Play
As the sub, you are the receiver. You get the privilege of being one who receives pleasure in all its forms from the Dom. Being bound, gagged, whipped, and used can be a great form of release from the stressors of everyday life. Submission is a gift.
Although there are several variations in the roles from baby to slave, they all have the freedom of handing over the reins to someone else and trusting them to guide you in the direction you both want.
Why Be submissive
It is just part of our identity, like eye color or height. We couldn’t change it if we wanted to, not that we ever would. The details may differ from sub to sub, but at its core, it is about being able to shake off the shackles of daily responsibility, even if you wear shackles to do it.
To be able to turn off the need to make decisions is priceless.
Being a sub is also a fantastic way to learn more about yourself. It lets you take off all the conformity and be and experience what is there. Submitting can lead to physical and emotional release that can be liberating and educational for you.
Being a Sub Personal Experiences
When subbing, I like to get into some of the more stigmatized and edgy aspects of BDSM play. I am fond of telling my play partners that I’ll try anything once with a short list of exceptions.
This has allowed me to find out firsthand a lot of what works for me and what doesn’t. It has taught me much about who I am and what I need in a play partner. Whether or not sex is involved, I love pushing myself to new limits at the hand of a trusted Dom.
Advantages of Being submissive
- Can be very freeing
- Creates a healthy release for emotions
- Freedom comes in surrender
Disadvantages of Being submissive
- Must be extra vigilant to prevent abuse
- Can leave marks and even scars
- Can lead to emotional fallout post scene
What’s Next
Whether you have experience as a sub or want to find out if this is the place you are looking for, the next step is to proceed safely.
There are excellent resources for connecting with others in the community. I particularly love FetLife because I have found it to be a great place to learn about all aspects of the BDSM community.
No matter what type of play you engage in, remember there is nothing wrong with taking it slowly and speaking up when something doesn’t feel right mentally or physically.
And, as always, with all BDSM activities, make sure you trust your partner and have a safe word!
Submissive FAQs
How am I in control?
You give power to the Dom (or Top) but also set the hard and soft limits for the scene.
Is sex a requirement for submission?
Not at all. There are plenty of D/s relationships that do not include intercourse at all. They are instead about the release each gets from the experience. That release may or may not be sexual in nature.
Will my submissive style change over time?
Probably. If you think about it honestly, we are constantly changing and evolving into new versions of ourselves. Being part of the BDSM community doesn’t change that. Quite the contrary, I believe it provides an enhancement.
Notes
This post was initially written and published in July 2021 by Sexologist Robert Thomas. In September 2022, HarliQ rewrote the article to improve its depth, accuracy, and truthfulness.
