Quick links: Definition | How To Choose | Safe Words That Work | My Take | Why Use | My Experience | Pros & Cons | Next Steps | FAQs
Welcome, my friends.
As you know, I close every article with the importance of a safe word. I felt the time had come to delve more into the topic for those less knowledgeable.
My viewpoints are sometimes outside of standard thinking, but you know what they say about opinions. As with every topic I present, I recommend you take what works and throw out the rest.
Note: Safe word and safeword are both acceptable when writing. I prefer the space, so that’s what I use.
Key Takeaways
- A safe word may be a word, phrase, or non-verbal signal.
- Safe words always end the scene immediately.
- Having a safe word is the best way to ensure that play stays safe and consensual.
What is a Safe Word?
If you’ve spent time in the BDSM community, read anything I’ve written, or watched television or movies, you’ve heard the term safe word.
A safe word isn’t mysterious or complicated.
This is a hard stop, but it does not always mean the scene ends entirely for the day. There are times when the safe word is used so that communication is possible during the scene to resolve an issue then the scene is resumed.
“Some couples use “safe words,” a pre-set verbal signal that the masochist can use to tell the dominant partner to stop inflicting pain.”
by Roy F. Baumeister;Taylor & Francis, 2014
from Masochism and the Self
The critical thing to remember is that a safe word must always be respected, whether used as a pause button or a full stop to all activity.
Choosing a Safe Word
When choosing a safe word, it must get an immediate reaction. Equally important, it must be something remembered by both the Dom and the sub. A safe word that is ignored or forgotten serves no function.
Having a non-verbal signal is also extremely important. If you engage in a scene restricting verbal communication, you still need a way to express stop. I always have both ready for every scene so that if we decide to bring out toys not planned in the beginning, we don’t have to stop to redefine.
This is key, especially in a non-monogamous relationship, since there is no set safe word formula.
What Makes a Good Safe Word
First, let’s cover what doesn’t make a good safe word. Things like “no”, “stop”, and “don’t” are never good safe words. This comes from the fact that these words are often used during certain scenes, and neither the Dom nor the sub wants the play to end.
Beyond that concept, it’s about finding what works for you.
The traffic light system is excellent because it allows for an adjustment without a complete stop and can help monitor the intensity the sub is experiencing.
Many people use fruits as well. I’m not sure why this is a trend, but whatever works. If you just can’t come up with one, there are plenty of lists and generators online to help you find one.
My Take on Safe Words
This is where my thinking may differ a bit from the majority, but I have my reasons, and I’m glad to share them.
I believe the Dom should always choose the safe word. More importantly, it should be a word with impact for them. I know, not the typical thought process but hear me out.
When we set it, we never question whether that’s the word we are listening for during play. We react right away because we know we heard it. Especially when you engage in higher-risk activities, seconds can matter greatly.
Second, we talk a lot in the world of BDSM about sub space, but Dom space equally exists. A Dom can get so caught up in the scene that reality fades away. Therefore, I say the word needs impact. If the safe word can’t cut through that fog, it’s useless as a safety measure.
Why Use a Safe Word?
The number one reason to use a safe word is safety. Yes, we play hard and in ways that may be well beyond what the general masses do for fun. That doesn’t make us monsters.
We want everything to be enjoyable. We want to engage in acceptable levels of danger. We are not a reckless bunch.
We want to be able to push ourselves and our partners. We need to learn and explore new things about ourselves, each other, and how we function as a couple. But we still don’t want anyone to get hurt. Safety should always be the top priority in any scene.
Personal Experiences With Safe Words
I’ve been on both sides of the safe word. I’ve worked with subs who overuse them and Doms who completely ignore them.
While the overuse can be frustrating, it is widespread with those newer to the lifestyle and tends to change over time.
Like with so many aspects of BDSM play, what we can tolerate and where we want to explore tends to evolve. It’s critical that, as a Domme, I always respect it, even if my sub uses the safe word every 10 seconds.
Doms that ignore safe words are a completely different thing. I’ve never had a second play date with one who does. This is a severe breach of trust and so insanely dangerous.
Advantages of having a safe word
- Keeps things safe
- Creates a straightforward way to stop the scene
- Ensures that both soft and hard BDSM limits are respected
Disadvantages of having a safe word
- Can be overused
- Sometimes are forgotten
- Must be monitored constantly
What’s Next?
Decide how best to implement safe words and signals into your play. Discuss who chooses them and if you want one set for every scene or one that changes with the activity.
Once you choose your safe word, ensure everyone in the scene knows it. I cannot overstress. Use it when you need it. It can’t do what it is supposed to do if you refuse to use it.
BDSM Safe Word FAQs
Does a safe word take the place of monitoring the scene?
No! A Dom must constantly monitor the scene and pay attention to what is happening with the sub. You still need to ask questions and ensure the scene stays safe even if your sub is hesitant to use a needed safe word. Failing to do this can quickly take a scene from fun to nonconsensual.
Can I finish an action we have already started once the safe word is used?
Never is it okay to continue without stopping when someone uses a safe word. Truthfully, it can be jarring and even painful to stop mid-motion. Continuing past the point when someone uses their word or signal is always unsafe. And, beyond that, it’s non-consensual.
Can I use different safe words for various partners?
Yes, you can. The important thing is how it is reacted to when you use it. You may find situations where your general term doesn’t work for your partner. Be willing to work together to find what works for you.
