Quick links: Key Takeaways | Hard Limits | Soft Limits | Safety & Aftercare | My Experience | FAQs | Next Steps
Hard and soft limits in BDSM are things that you or your play partner will not do within a scene. The difference between the two is that while hard limits are an absolute no and never negotiable, soft limits can be negotiated over time as both trust within the partnership and your experience with BDSM grow.
Scene negotiation (aka BDSM contract) is one of the most important preparations necessary in BDSM. Part of that negotiation is determining what your play partner is and is not comfortable with during a BDSM scene.
This is easier when you know the partner well, but even in a scene with a new person at a play party or event, a quick-and-dirty negotiation helps to safeguard everyone’s well-being and help everyone relax and enjoy themselves.
Learning your play partner’s hard and soft limits has tremendous benefits not just for them, but also for you. Not only does it give you a handy list of their turn-offs, but it also gives you a ton of insight into what kind of kinkster they are and whether you and they will be compatible as play partners long-term.
Therefore, finding out is important, especially if you want to build a good, trusting BDSM relationship long-term.
Key Takeaways
- Hard and soft limits are, respectively, activities that members of a BDSM play partnership will never do, or which can eventually be renegotiated as trust and communication build within the relationship.
- Hard limits are things that are simply not done in BDSM scenes between specific partners. They are never negotiable unless the person who sets them starts that negotiation.
- Soft limits may be renegotiated over time as the relationship matures and communication improves. This will take communication and experimentation.
- A safeword and other safety considerations must be used with any BDSM activity that heads even close to a soft limit.
- Sometimes people believe that something is a soft limit for them, but discover that they never actually get comfortable with that activity. For others, a soft limit may end up becoming a favorite activity later in the relationship. It all really depends on the people involved.
- Aftercare and regular discussion are both essential to BDSM scenes that involve or drift close to pushing a soft limit.
Hard Pass: the BDSM Hard Limit Explained
You, like everyone around you, have things you absolutely won’t do–things that will be giant turn-offs, or possibly even trauma triggers. It could be almost any BDSM activity, and it could only apply to an extreme degree of a specific activity.
People have hard limits for a ton of reasons. Someone with breathing issues may not be OK with gags. Someone who has abuse trauma may hate verbal humiliation. Someone may be thoroughly turned off by toilet play. You don’t need to know their reasons, you just need to respect their limits.
Doing that consistently builds trust, and helps your partner to relax and get into the scene faster.
“Good BDSM is a flirtation with danger, never dangerous.”
from Pretty Baby: A Memoir
by Chris Belcher; Avid Reader Press / Simon & Schuster, 2022
What happens if you ignore hard limits?
You might think that pushing a certain activity that is a hard limit for your partner is edgy and hot, but stepping over that line will pull your partner out of the scene and anger or upset them.
If you violate a hard limit while they are helpless, expect to never see them again, and expect your local reputation to take a serious hit.
A Dominant who violates hard limits, or demands “no limits”, quickly becomes a pariah in the local community. These traits are actually common red flags of a “Dumbinant”, an inept newcomer with an inflated ego and often abusive tendencies. Don’t be a “Dumbinant”.
“The BDSM community actively promotes safety and emphasizes the consensual nature of BDSM activity.”
from Sex and Society
by Marshall Cavendish Corporation; Cavendish Square, 2010
BDSM Soft Limits: We’ll Have to See
A soft limit is a limit that may not be in place forever, especially in a long-term, healthy BDSM relationship. It does not exist to be pushed, but instead may be renegotiated over time and with experimentation.
Soft limits can be in place for a variety of reasons. Maybe the person has never tried the activity and doesn’t want to experiment with someone they don’t know and trust as a partner.
Maybe the person isn’t repulsed by something but just doesn’t see the appeal. Maybe they’re nervous about the BDSM activity and need to learn you’ll guard their safety. Maybe they need accommodation, such as soft ropes and cuffs only for their sensitive skin.
It’s not a “sign of dominance” for someone to start poking at your boundaries before you even know and trust them. It’s the sign of someone to avoid.
When to Push Soft Limits and When to Renegotiate Them
Just earning your submissive/switch partner’s trust is not carte blanche to push their soft limits. Instead, every month or so, have a talk about where they are when it comes to certain activities you’d like to try.
Approach each activity one at a time, experiment while using a safeword, and talk about the results. If they want to experiment more, you’re on the right track. If not, find another activity to experiment with once they feel comfortable doing so.
Some limits will stay in place; some will change. Just make sure you’re careful, honest, and respectful as you work with them.
Safety and Aftercare
Safety and aftercare in BDSM scenes where you and your partner have decided to push a soft limit depends on the nature of the scene. However, because you want everyone to feel as safe as possible, you should make sure to take these into account even more than usual.
For example, a submissive trying flogging for the first time will need to stop quickly and be checked in with immediately if they discover they can’t handle it. This comes on top of the usual aftercare for flogging.
A lot of unexpected things may happen when pushing a soft limit. Your partner may really like it. They may really dislike it. They may enter subspace for the first time. They may become upset or have a “sub drop“.
Someone who gets a limit brushed against unexpectedly should use their safe word, and if the limit wasn’t known before, you should both make a note of it. For example, say your submissive has a fear of being strangled and you touch their neck during a scene, causing both of you to learn about it the hard way.
Get them calmed and feeling safe first, and then make sure you add any form of pressure on the neck to your list of limits for them.
Personal Experience With BDSM Limits
One of my past partners was a sweet, demure submissive who had survived some truly shoddy, abusive treatment from an amoral Dumbinant a year before meeting me. Fortunately, the guy never got his hands on her physically, but he did a number on her self-esteem.
Since then, she could not stand humiliation play or other certain punishments. Those made up a lot of her hard limits. Her soft limits were things we could discuss only once she trusted me fully.
As her Dominant, my responsibility was to respect her limits and needs and make her feel safe enough to submit and enjoy herself. That meant being completely trustworthy and honest–and never ever even going near a hard limit.
It took a while for us to get there, and until we got there, I didn’t even start talking with her about her soft limits.
BDSM Hard and Soft Limits FAQs
Are BDSM hard limits ever negotiable?
No. Hard limits are set that way for a reason. They represent something that the Dominant or submissive absolutely will not negotiate on. It may not even be something considered “hardcore”, but it should still be respected as an inviolable limit that shouldn’t be pushed. The only time that a hard limit should be negotiated is when the person who set the limit starts the conversation.
What are some common hard limits?
Common hard limits include knifeplay, fireplay, golden showers, scat, or certain forms of humiliation and bondage.
What is the best way to prepare to push a soft limit?
The first step is to be someone that your play partner knows they can trust. That can take significant time and effort. But many times, whether you have proven yourself trustworthy or not will be the most important condition for whether they are willing to undergo more limit-pushing or risky activities with you.
The second step is to find out what their personal conditions for pushing a specific soft limit are. For example, someone might be more willing to try ice play on a scorching hot day, or only on certain body parts.
Finally, take these conditions into account and meet them before experimenting with the new activity. While experimenting, make sure that a safeword or safety gesture is in place in case they find they really don’t like what’s going on.
What’s Next?
The cornerstone of the BDSM relationship is trust, and one of the key ways to build trust is to know and respect each other’s boundaries.
However, some boundaries are negotiable over time, especially with the right person. Help your play partner safely get lost in the scene by knowing and respecting what they won’t do–or won’t do yet. Considering setting up a BDSM contract to ensure informed consent between all play partners.
Learn and talk with your play partner about hard and soft limits before you start to experiment. And, as always, with all BDSM activities, make sure you use a safe word.
